Tuesday, November 2, 2010

REALITY CHECK

I had a moment today. They don't come as often as they use to. In fact, if I'm being brutally honest, I haven't had one of these moments in a while.
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Brian goes to get Christopher in the mornings while I am usually the one to wake him from his nap. The difference is that Christopher is always bright and jolly in the mornings whereas in the afternoons he looks at me like I've ruined a great thing he had going.
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Hey, I'm not a morning person. Never have been. I was grumpy after sleeping when I was three years old and it hasn't changed since. I went from needing milk and a PopTart before talking to anyone to needing coffee and a shower. But other than that nothing has changed.

So Christopher's muted grumpy behavior doesn't bother me much. I just take him downstairs to watch Mickey and wait until he's ready to talk to me. But today, instead of walking blindly to the potty like he normally does before heading downstairs with Baby Monkey and Mr. Bear in tow, he shot straight up out of sleep and put on a pout face while crawling over to me for a big hug.

He sat in my arms for a few minutes as I rocked him. He didn't say anything and neither did I.  He just laid his head on my shoulder, waiting.

It was in that brief minute or two that I had my moment. I had honestly forgotten what those moments felt like. It was a moment in which I sit there in awe. I realize, I am a mom. He is mine. I love him unconditionally and he loves me the same.

I forget these things most days and sometimes think of myself as a 24 hour babysitter. But it's in these moments that I get to reflect and say, "Wow. I don't think I could ever love anything more than I love my son."
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I am your typical stay-at-home/work-from home mother. I don't get much contact with the outside world. I long for a cup of coffee that doesn't get cold before I have time to drink it. Or to be able to catch up on my sleep. It's a difficult job. Probably the most difficult I've ever had. I'm even sure I could use some improvements in the motherhood department.

But when I'm sitting there, holding my son, who wants nothing more than for me to wrap my arms around him and sway him back and forth, I think to myself, "Yes, this is where I'm suppose to be."
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Being pregnant for a second time has really made me look at Christopher like I once did. In a way that I had some how lost between diaper changes and lunches, time-outs and cleaning up. I will be honest again and admit that I may have forgotten that I grew this thing, this child. I nurtured him in my body for nine months. He is here because of me, and I am here because of him.
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I feel the kicks of Carter more and more every day now. Some days I go crazy thinking, "um, why decide I should do this again?" But then I have these moments with Christopher that completely tackle every other thought I've had about how difficult life is these days. They may only be a minute or two long. The time it takes me to comfort him before heading downstairs, or even the fleeting second he runs by me squealing with delight. But these tiny, short moments triumph over the aggravations and frustrations. They are more powerful than the lowest lows and even the highlights of a regular day.

They are my moments. And I hold on to each one, knowing that another will arrive when I'm least expecting it but when I really need it.

1 comment:

  1. This is an awesome parenthood story, Sarah. If I ever become a parent I hope I am just like you.

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