Friday, April 29, 2011
1) Children have no sense of smell. While their hearing is spectacular (they will wake up when you take a single bite of food), they simply can't smell. This may not be a scientific fact, but by the time they become mobile they will find a way into the bathroom while you are taking your morning shit and try to hold a conversation with you. They will rant for five minutes about the potato chip they just found on the floor and decided to eat. But the only thing going through your mind is, "Can't you smell that?" Either they simply don't care or they can't smell.
2) Do not expect to have sex for at least three months after the baby is born. Sure, the doctor tells you that after six weeks you're ready to get back in the saddle. I don't care what your doctor thinks. Unless you're from another planet, you don't want your husband to put anything near your hoo-ha for at least 12 weeks. It's our God-given right as women to deny our husband sex the first time he mentions it after we've given birth and we'll be damned if we don't use it. By eight weeks after the baby is born we've just stopped our daily ritual of medicated pads and PreparationH. We need a week or two before we can even fathom the idea of rolling around in the sack.
3) You will receive advice about parenting from everyone you know. Even those without children. You, yourself, will begin to feel like a child when all of your friends and relatives decided to tell you to do this - that way, or do that - this way. My solution? Have your read the title of my blog? Vodka. It keeps you from pulling your hair out or better yet, it keeps you from pulling out the hair of the person speaking to you.
4) There are many things you can do calmly and there are many things you can't do calmly. But it will be completely ass-backwards from what you think it is. Your child will choke on a piece of broccoli and in one swift movement, you will be up out of your seat, picking up the child, lean them forward and patting their back until the food flies out - all the while remaining as calm as a cucumber. But God-forbid your child refuses to eat that broccoli after you telling them ten times to eat their dinner. You will lose your temper in an instant and WWIII will break out over the dinner table.
5) You will no longer be that rock star between the sheets that you once thought you were. Not for at least two years anyway. And then if you have another child by then, you'll have to wait a total of four. Once you do decide to allow your husband to touch you again it's not just your lack of sleep that gets in the way, but your body has gone through a complete metamorphosis. Your boobs are no longer in the same place and your stomach jiggles a lot more than it used to. Not to mention the fact that you used your entire 12 month reserve of muscles because you were in labor for 27 hours and had to push a watermelon out a hole the size of a grape. But if your lack of sleep or newly found body image doesn't kill the mood, a crying baby will. There's no longer any time to try out the new sex position your childless-best friend just told you about. You're best bet is to get it in before breakfast. Scratch that. You have two options. Eat breakfast or have sex. I guess it's possible to do them at the same time but that just puts an ugly picture in my head.
What are the five things you didn't know before becoming a mother? Link up here: