Friday, May 13, 2011
1) LEARN MANDARIN. Unless you're Jennifer-freaking-Lopez and have a personal manicurist you're probably like me and go to your neighborhood outlet mall and get your nails done by a random Chinese lady. I mean no disrespect to this ethnicity. But I go bonkers (silently) when the lady working on my feet turns to her fellow employee at the next seat over and says something that is totally gibberish to me but creates an uproar of laughter from everyone working in the shop. I guess learning Mandarin is out of the question (unless anyone wants to loan me 600 buck-a-roos for some Rosetta Stone). I'll probably just bring my iPod and headphones next time to drown out the chuckles that I know have something to do with my abnormally long toe hairs or something of the sort.
2) BRING YOUR OWN NAIL POLISH. Ladies. If you don't already do this, then you should really consider it next time. To be honest, I'm shocked at anyone that doesn't. Maybe it's because I have podophobia. I just don't like the idea of sharing nail polish. In my opinion it's just like borrowing mascara. Ick. Don't do it ladies, don't do it. Besides, it's nice to have the exact color at home so that when you get chips in your polish you can do your own touch-up work and you don't have to return to the salon and get an entire re-do.
3) CHECK YOUR BRA BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE. Yup. You heard me. Look - I'll give it to you straight. I got some big knockers. I cannot go anywhere (or stay anywhere) without a bra. This means I'm a sports bra fanatic. I wear them at home consistently for comfort. BUT, when I go out, I prefer to have the ladies a little more at attention, so I will normally put on Victoria's or Frederick's. The problem is that since I don't get out much and I'm in my sports bra 98% of the time, I don't do routine quality checks on my semi-expensive bras. I don't normally have to either. But it is a must before heading off to the nail parlor. I know, I know, get to the point. My point is, if your bra hooks are in anyway bent, you're gonna go for one hell of a ride when they turn on the back massager. This never really occurred to me until my last visit. And it took everything in me not to scream bloody murder every time the massage ball in the chair put pressure against the hook sticking straight in my back. It wasn't until after my session was over did I realize that the off button was only six inches from my fingertips. Whatever. Check your bra.
4) YOU CUT, THEY FILE. Seriously, cut your own nails ladies. It may not have happened to you yet, but there will come a day with your friendly, neighborhood nail stylist will cut your toenail too short. I'm pretty sure you don't need me to go into details on the aftermath of this type of situation. Just do yourself a favor, clip them before leaving the house and let the pros file them into a pretty shape.
5) For goodness sake - WEAR SANDALS. You may think this is a no brainer but you'd be surprised. I actually watched a girl try to shove her newly transformed toes into a pair of Uggs after a session once. I can't imagine the Chewbacca toes she must have seen after removing her boots at home. Even if it is the dead of Winter, WEAR SANDALS. Not only will you save yourself the money of having to get your toes redone, but you'll save the money on that Mandarin Rosetta Stone I was talking about earlier. Because you know damn well those little ladies are sitting there making fun of you in another language as you try to ever-so-lightly place your feet into tennis shoes you just used to cut the grass.
And since we're on the subject of shoes (and I don't want to have to write an entire post about it later) - please - do not wear the FiveFingers shoes in public. I actually saw a lady in wearing them with jeans at Starbucks the other day. If you don't know what I am talking about please Google it. It's a sad, sad fad that just won't go away.